An eye opening reflection of the past 25 years

As most people know, tomorrow I turn 25 years old. I know it is still young, but as I reflect back to the previous 24 years I find myself frightened at times and smiling at others. I think I will take this reflection and use it to motivate me because if I don’t I will wallow in self-loathing, a place I refuse to go back to.

So through this simple blog I attempt to reflect a bit on the past years.

Beach fun with daddy, big brother Greg, and I

Trying to beat the waves with daddy holding me steady and never leaving my side

I have such fond memories of being with my dad around ages 4 and 5. One time we were at the beach and every evening my dad, brother. and I would search for seashells. Unfortunately, Greg is 4 years old than me so when my dad would point a shell out Greg would beat me to it. As I was getting frustrated my dad yells “JULIE THERES A SHELL!” I raced to it, my  little legs going as fast as they could to that damn shell and I scooped it up in my hand and all of a sudden…. the “shell” slipped like goo though my fingers. Little did I know, my dad told me seagull shit was actually a sea shell. I was sooo angry and upset that I ran after my dad and wiped it all over him and then cried until who knows when.

Another memory I have of being young, about 4 years old, was when Greg and I were playing out in the snow after an ample amount of snow fall. Greg and I were running around in the yard when all of a sudden Greg got so excited and called me over to a specific patch in the snow. So excited, I tried to trudge through the deep snow to see what all the fuss was about. He then pointed to the snow and told me that there were Coco Puffs in the snow. COCO PUFFS?!?!? YUMMY!!!! So being young and niieve , I got super excited and scooped up the “coco puffs” and jammed them into my mouth. A few seconds later Greg started laughing at me and my dad started to yell. Needless to say… they were NOT coco puffs but rather RABBIT SHIT!!! I ate RABBIT SHIT!!!!!!

Then the best part of my life for the next 10+ years came into play…

Crystal’s School of Dance

I got to travel to NYC every year for awhile with other girls in my school to take classes and see countless amazing broadway shows at the New York City Dance Alliance, held once a year at the Waldorf Assteria. While some things in my life were great, and healthy, a lot of things weren’t. Around 11 I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol as well as restrictive eating. I wanted to hide and shut out all of the awful feelings that I was experiencing. The drugs, alcohol, and restrictive eating gave me an outlet, or rather a way to blame my problems on something else. I took my depression, trauma, anxiety, etc. out on the food and chemicals, but anyone in recovery knows that it is not about the food, nor is it about the chemicals, its about what horrible feelings we are harboring deep inside that we are too ashamed to reveal.

My feelings of inadequacy continued for many years and I was constantly trying to fit in somewhere, but where, I was not sure. I always felt as thought I was watching my life happen from behind a glass mirror and no matter how hard I tried to yell at myself and tell myself that I was making wrong decisions I could not be heard. To keep a very long and painful story short I continued to use and abuse myself in many ways because that is what I knew best. The only outlet that I had that was healthy was dancing; when I was dancing I did not feel the need to harm myself in any way, I felt so free and confident. But when classes were over and the doors closed behind me I had to step back into the world that I had created as completely toxic and suffocating.

It was not until I got out of a very bad relationship that my problems became rather evident to those around me. I was always very good at keeping my secrets just that, secrets, but after some crazy events and hospitalizations it was obvious that I was not okay anymore. January 2009 was the beginning of my real journey. Ups and downs, rehab after rehab, and ed treatment after treatment I eventually was able to grasp the gift of sobriety in July 2009. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I have some amazing people to thank for not enabling me and setting me straight. A specific person that I am so grateful to have in my life was someone who saw me for me and opened her arms and allowed me to stay with her while I was trying to stay clean and sober. After I relapsed she did what any good person would do, she put her foot down and told me she could no longer try to help me because she wanted me to be better more than I wanted to be better. Though it took me some more downfalls to see that she was right, I now thank her all the time and pray for her to have the life she deserves because without her at that time I am not sure I would have even attempted to get sober again.

The funny thing with my sobriety is that when I went to rehab for the last time I did not anticipate actually taking it serious at first. Hell, I relapsed while in detox and ended up in the hospital. After I got back to the unit I was told to pack my bags, but it was at that time that I had looked in the mirror and saw absolutely nothing; I saw a sad girl who was crying for help but did not know how to get it. I saw a terrified child who was entrenched in a wicked disease and spiraling out of control. I saw everything I always said I would never be. So I cried and pleaded for them to keep me, that I would die if I left and was sent home. For some reason, they allowed me to stay, and for that, I thank my higher power because everyone else who used while in detox was sent home. Why was I able to stay, I am not sure but I try not to question it today. Anyways, my counselor made a comment to me that ticked me off so much that my goal was to prove her wrong. She said, “Julie, you are just going to fake it til you make it.” At the time I thought she was telling me I had no chance in hell at stay sober so I made it my goal to show her otherwise. As many people know, I am stubborn as a mule, but I think this stubbornness actually benefited me because I am here today to say that I will hopefully be celebrating 5 years clean and sober.

The first year of true sobriety sucked, but I had a lot of support from those in the program as well as some true friends from college and high school. Though my circle of friends drastically decreased, the true friends that I had helped me so much and I could not be more grateful for them. I celebrated my 21st birthday sober with my other half at Millersville and ya know what, sparkling grape juice in wine glasses and girl time was the best birthday I could have asked for.

J.J. ❤

Jules and Chels

My sobriety was going great and I added a new addition to my family as a daily reminder that I worked hard to get where I was at 1 year clean and sober. I actually did something that I learned from a movie… 28 Days starring Sandra Bullock. In the movie a man asks how long he should wait until he gets into a relationship. The counselor responds to him by saying that he should get a plant and if in 1 year that plant is still alive he should get a pet and if one year from that the pet is still alive then he can look at getting into a relationship. Well my little Mia was my first big step

Mia

While I was going through partial treatment I met the most amazing person in the entire world; someone who told me I was beautiful on the inside and out, someone who loved me for me, despite my flaws, someone who encourages me to be my best, someone who treats me like a princess, someone I could only dream of having as my soul mate. I cannot begin to describe the love, affection, and gratitude I have for him, but wow…. thank god for him. Together we have fought many battles that the world has thrown at us and ended up on top. I honestly do not think I would be where I am, or maybe even alive today if it were not for him.

I think what I love most about him is his ability to make me laugh no matter how horrible I feel as well as his faith in me as a person. He has stayed by my side through so many of my trials and tribulations and always tells me that he knows that I will make it. No matter where we go everyone loves him.

We have been together for almost 3 years and in those three years he has watched me self-destruct from the debilitating disease of anorexia. While I have been struggling since age 11 it took on a whole life of its own after I got sober. While I let 2 self-destructive things in my life go I substituted their hell on my body by increasing the eating disorder. I convinced myself for years that I did not have a drug, alcohol, or eating disorder, but little by little everything was coming to light and I was faced with having to face myself and why I was so scared, insecure, self-destructive, self-hating, etc. In and out, like a revolving door became Zach and I’s lifestyle for quite some time with eating disorder treatments. I’d do well for awhile and then something tragic would happen and I would use that even as an excuse to use my eating disorder. I thought for years that the only person I was hurting was myself, but what I lie that is.

Zach told me before my last inpatient stay that it hurt him so much to watch me slowly kill myself because he could not save me. He told me this many times before, but then he said something that really crushed my heart and soul. He told me that he was so scared that I would die that he would stay up at night to make sure I was still breathing or he’d keep a hand on my chest/ back to make sure I was still breathing. And then I saw tears in his eyes…. wow, what an eye opener… someone really cares about me and wants me to live. That’s when I actually came to terms with the fact that I was hurting everyone around me who loved me. Thanks to Zach, my higher power, and my stubbornness I went to treatment for the millionth time and made a promise that this would be the last time I left him. That is when I started this blog, October 2012.

I’ve let life get in the way of writing, but I am pleased to say that after reflecting on my life I am HAPPY where I am today. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves everything about me. I have the love and support of his parents. I have graduated school and started graduate school. I have had a wonderful yet horrible experience of working in my field of study with the hopes to continue. I have been out of inpatient treatment for over a year. I have the ability to wake up each morning next to the love of my life and know that I did the best I could the day before. I can go to a meeting. I can support those in need. I can, I can, I can do a lot that I convinced myself I would never be able to do again because I was a drug addict, I was an alcoholic, I was anorexic. Today I am Julie, a grateful recovery addict who still battles ED but is winning more than she is losing.

Graduation May 2013

Moral of my story…. I can bend, but I will NOT break. Just when I think I have given up I keep on going.

Make No Assumptions

What is the difference between assumptions and the truth?

Nothing, according to Ed.

This is because Ed thinks he is very wise. He thinks he is so educated.

Ed has already given himself an honorary Master’s, and a Doctorate….if there were an honorary “Supreme Brainiac of the Universe” award, Ed would give himself that title too.

Ed just thinks he’s all that and a bag of (er) snacks.

But is he?

Let’s take a common assumption that we make (with a little help from Ed) and check it out.

We often assume we won’t be able to survive without Ed. We need Ed. Ed loves us. Ed cares even when no one else does.

Yet absolutely everything else that we read and hear about love tells us that real love is not trying to change another person all the time – their outsides or their insides.

Real love does not refuse to hear the other point of view.

Real love doesn’t have to be right all the time.

And real love never deliberately injures their beloved – even when they believe it is for that person’s own good.

So what is assumption, and what is fact?

What Would Ed Do? Um, Ed is fact. What Ed says is fact. Ed is love. Any questions?

What Would Recovery Do? Find something that rhymes with “love it” and tell Ed just where he can put his assumption about what it means to love and be loved.

Higher Power…. Accept Reject Accept…

Today was a roller coaster of emotions and after attending therapy, a medical, and an AA meeting I have come to somewhat of a conclusion of confusion, if that makes any sense.

The question posed at the meeting tonight was “What is your understanding of your higher power.”

When I first heard the topic I started to think about my entire day. After numerous people shared about their thoughts and struggles I started to come up with a better understanding of myself and my higher power. In my opinion, having a higher power does not mean you have to have a religious affiliation, but rather spirituality, a belief in something greater than yourself.

When I think back over the past many years of my life I can remember being told I had to believe in this one almighty God. I attended church, sunday school, and catechism, but once I found drugs, alcohol, and my eating disorder I started to go against what I was told was “right.” After I watched my cousin pass away I declared myself agnostic because how could some God take away such a special, intelligent, talented, pure-hearted individual at such a young age? I could not comprehend this at 16, therefore started to resent anything having to do with God and made it my mission to do everything but what people told me to do. I resented God which led me to resent life in general.

i never attended any type of spiritual or religious meeting after my cousins funeral until Christmas Eve of 2009. At the time I was living in a women’s shelter and being admitted and discharged from the psych ward over and over. For some reason I decided to go to church Christmas Eve, partly because of my aunt who was battling breast cancer and partially because I felt I had to go. First the first time in years I was completely overwhelmed and hit my knees and BEGGED with every inch of my being for help. The drugs, alcohol, and anorexia were not giving me what I needed anymore. A few days later I was forced back into the psych ward and later sent to rehab without a say. At this point I got even more angry at this so called God because he was taking away my comforts and saviors by sending me to rehab and then to eating disorder treatment. After many more relapses and near death experiences I was given a final chance at recovery from D&A. I relapsed in detox from heroin and landed myself in the ICU for a few days and when I got sent back to the rehab I was the only one out of 5 individuals that had relapsed in detox that got the chance to stay. I took that as a sign that my higher power was giving me one last chance because my higher power believed in me. From that day on I gave my will over to a power greater than myself when it came to D&A.

While I almost have 4 years clean and sober, I still struggle with anorexia. Why? Because I recovered from D&A and let the ED take control of me even more. Today I realized that i HAVE to look to my higher power to relieve me of my obsession to be perfect. I feel so inadequate about life and everything it entails, including what I do from day to day that when things go right I still feel inadequate and that it is not me that is doing well, but someone or something else. It is my higher power that is giving me these opportunities to achieve great things such as finally graduating, being offered a great job, getting into graduate school, and having a loving relationship with my boyfriend and I have to thank my higher power and realize that it is not JUST my higher power, but me as well. I need to see that it is both myself and my higher power that are making great thing happen and that I HAVE to give up trying to control everything in life. I have to learn to put more trust into my higher power and just worry about today and not the past or years from now.

Im not sure if any of this makes much sense, but overall I think I am trying to convey that I need to keep in touch with my higher power and realize that my higher and MYSELF are working together to make good decisions. I need to remember on a daily basis that I have to do what is right according to professionals and my higher power and not what Julie thinks is “right” at times. I have to ACCEPT help and stop REJECTING it.

Powerful…. lets be real Julie, its NOT

So I started looking through all of my facebook photos and albums, thinking that I would reminisce on some old memories and laugh, but the opposite happened. I found myself first getting upset about how happy I used to be when I was at a healthier weight. I could easily recall all of the events and remember how happy, joyous, and free I was. I lived for the moment and found happiness everywhere I turned. So at first looking back at the pictures made me sad… and then…. sick pictures started to pop up. At first I was appalled, but as I kept looking through them I found myself focusing and zoning in on the skeleton that used to be Julie. And as I started to obsess over these images I started to love them more and more as I watched the sickness in the images progress. The final picture is what screwed me up the most… it was one of my the day I left to go to Princeton. I found myself sitting here, in front of the MAC, for nearly 10 minutes, mesmerized by this single image. Once again, I saw beauty and bliss in counting the bones and seeing a skeleton. I was immediately brought back to step one in my mind. Though my body is no longer there I allowed myself to fall back into be consumed by the “lovely bone” and begging to see that again. I KNOW its not healthy and I KNOW that I was literally knocking on deaths doorstep, but EUGHHHHHH. For the moment, I started thinking about how I could start going back to the old Julie without any medical complications or anyone noticing… what a huge as lie I just told myself there. No one notice? REALLY? No medical complications? Hell, if I ever get back to that place again I know for sure my last time walking will be to my death. I guess its just hard for me to look at the pictures and only see misery and sickness. It is sad and evident that there is still a part of me that is obsessed with looking like death. As I looked at the picture the first word that came to mind to describe it was “powerful.” How sickening right? So this is kind of a rant because its polluting my mind and I want it out! I need to stick to the path of recovery and NOT back on the path to my miserable and pathetic existence… a so called “life”

See High Above

See High Above – author – unknown

 

You step outside into the early morning in autumn

And at the exact same instant a scrap of paper floats over

High in the blue blustering library of air

You look up and you see it rushing and lifting

Even higher into the transparent layers of the sky

And at once, you know it is a message

A message that there is no message

The scrap of paper is just a scrap of paper

It is weightless and free

The world is just the world

And you are exactly who you are

Also floating now high inside the invisible balloon of another moment.

 

My thoughts……

In the past, it was impossible for me to be like the scrap of paper, weightless and free. I would consider the old Julie to be like an anchor, rushing to the bottom of the ocean and settling in the depths of despair, completely weighted down. No force to pull me back up, only misery to keep pushing me further and further down to a place of complete hopelessness. Thinking about this makes my heart flutter with anxiety and I feel a huge weight pulling at my soul. But thank goodness for today and for this moment because I am now able to feel at peace with myself and my surroundings. Today I can experience life and serenity. Comfort and calmness were always so foreign to me so being able to feel these things today in a chaotic, stressful, and every changing world is a true blessing. I try to find something beautiful in every day and even on the worst of days I can be thankful for surviving this horrific disease and being given another chance at life. I try to take each day graciously because each day is a gift, not  a given.

So it begins….

*Breath in one, breath out one.

I made it through my first full day at home…. thank goodness. I managed to make a HUGE step today. Zach and I went to my dads so we could make him dinner and watch a movie, just to show how much I appreciate all of his and Tracy’s support of the past months. I was all excited, but started to panic as we got closer. Once we got there I could feel something was majorly wrong. As we sat in the living room chatting I started to get an overwhelming feeling and immediately got entrenched in a major flashback that entailed one of my last moments of hitting rock bottom. The last time I was at my dads I experienced such a terrifying moment in my disease and just as soon as I had put it in the back of my mind it was right there…. front and center. I could see the scene, I could hear the voices, I sense the smells, and I could feel the horror while I sat there completely paralyzed on the couch. I tried so hard to get out of the flashback, but the longer I sat there the more scared I got. After awhile I told Zach we HAD to leave and push back the dinner date with my dad and Tracy.

I felt SO guilty for ruining everyone’s plans, but the only thing I wanted to do was RUN RUN RUN. Zach took me on a nice drive and I discovered what terrified me…. I am absolutely PETRIFIED of relapsing!!! I do NOT have another chance at life. I have been given the biggest gift of all and I cannot bare to lose it. There will not be a next time for me in battling this disease. The next time will SURELY end in death. In a way I need to treat my recovery from anorexia like sobriety, it is either I am sober or I am not. I know there are grey areas with recovery from ED, but I am trying to treat it like sobriety… if I screw up I am sure to die. This does not mean that I do not expect set backs, but it is better for me to think about it in this way. I think being petrified of relapsing is helpful right now. It is hard to express what I am thinking and what I mean by this, but Im sure some of you can understand my babble.

Zach made me realize something after I had calmed down…. He said how proud he was of me for recognizing that I needed to leave and that I used my voice and asked for help and support. For once in my life I did not keep myself in a risky and harmful situation. Though it may have seemed mundane at the time I realize that it was a HUGE step for me tonight. 

What I’ve Learned

Well everyone, I begin a new chapter in my life tomorrow. I am SUCCESSFULLY being discharged from Princeton Center for Eating Disorders!!! And I am proud to say I am leaving with a bit of confidence and a ton of hope and determination. I created a list of everything I am taking away from this amazing place.

1.I am Julie. I am NOT my mother. I am NOT my eating disorder.

2. I have a voice and it is okay to use it.

3. My feelings/ emotions matter.

4. I need to put ME and my recovery first.

5. It is okay to express my needs and feelings.

6. A slip does NOT equal a relapse.

7. I can enjoy foods that I like and not gain an immense amount of weight.

8. Use wise mind, not emotional or reasonable mind all the time.

9. I can only change myself.

10. I need to create my own identity.

11. Things can be tweaked in my meal plan and I can still be healthy.

12. Recovery = Life, Success, Courage, Strength

13. I am more than a number.

14. I am not a slave to calorie counting.

15. Staying in the present is important.

16. You cannot change the past nor can you predict the future.

17. It is NOT about the food.

18. Feelings do NOT control me.

19. Negative feelings will pass.

20. Being open and honest with myself and others is very important.

21. I need to find a new constant in my life other than the eating disorder.

22. I can be independent.

23. Restricting does NOT change situations or people around me.

24. I need a large support group to guide me, but not to carry me.

25. Being healthy gives me more control as opposed to when I am sick in my anorexia

26. People love me for me, NOT because of the way I look.

27. I have many coping skills and if I honestly try to implement them during hard times I may be able to push through successfully.

28. Being healthy does NOT make me more vulnerable, it makes me more courageous and stronger.

29. Life does not always go as planned.

30. Expected unexpected change to occur and remember I can handle it in an appropriate way.

31. I do not have to take the world on on my own.

32. There is NO such thing as perfection.

33. I do not have to force myself to be perfect for others or myself.

34. It is important to keep a schedule/ routine.

35. I have made great accomplishment in my life thus far.

36.It is important to remind myself of my strengths and accomplishments.

37. I DESERVE to recover!!!

38. I CAN and I WILL recover!!!!!

Today, I can breath

I prayed so hard yesterday, last night, and this morning to be relieved of my obsessive and judgmental thoughts and as I dreading getting ready for the day I found myself READY to face the world and take control of what I CAN control and accept the things I cannot. I feel such a sense of peace in my mind, body, and soul right now. I really hope it continues throughout the day.

I have a pass today from 12:30-8:30 and will be spending it with my dad, stepmom, and Zachary. I decided to do a picnic lunch with them. I thought it would be fun to enjoy a meal together in the beauty of the season. Plus, I am hoping it will keep me out of my head since I won’t be in the “typical” eating setting. Tracy (step-mom) is taking me to get my nails-a-did, a special treat for my hard work, and then we are going to spend the day in downtown Princeton.

I’ve decided to challenge myself twice today, even though going out on pass is a challenge in itself. I am going to try a small bag of potato chips and then go for ice cream (with sprinkles of course).I struggle with chips because I always feel guilty and as though I am over-indulging in them. And ice cream used to be a run to when I would allow myself to eat, but it was so easy to purge that it never remained in my body for very long.Yesterday I had challenged myself twice as well with foods so I thought I’d give myself a break today, but Julie doesn’t take breaks when it comes to something I want so badly. I want to be able to challenge myself as much as possible while I’m in treatment because I can bring my struggles back here and work on them with the team and community.

Higher Power,

Thank you for relieving me of my obsessive and destructive thoughts.

Screaming into my bear

I cannot stand my body!!!!

I want to crawl out of my skin and die!!! 

*sigh* I am in a really really horrible spot since last night. I honestly do not know how to handle the changes my body is making. I feel like it is way too fast and way too much. I know that it needs to happen but why so fucking fast?! I always gain weight quickly and it fucks with my head so much. My mindset is no where near where my body is and I don’t know how to get all the judgmental, hateful, raging, irrational thoughts to stop or just quiet. I just want to cry all damn day.

I KNOW that its called “getting better” but it feels so horrible and looks even worse. I know I cannot trust my own eyes,  but fuck….. I can’t see anything but pure FAT… love handles, fat face, fat arms, huge ass thighs, etc. Yeah I can’t see every single bone anymore which is okay with me, but i cannot bare the way i look right now. and even worse is that i have 2 more weeks here to gain even more weight!!!!

I am so terrified that I will look like my mother when I get out of here. I’m petrified that I will never stop gaining and that my set weight is like my mother. I know this is somewhat irrational but i dont know how to get this thought and feeling out of my  head. For over an hour yesterday I wrote “I am Julie. I am not my mother.” And now Im expressing myself again, but I don’t feel any better…. 😦

I just want to love myself and my body for how it is and believe that no one will judge me or call me obese or fat and that people will still love me. I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror or anything but its so hard when almost every place you walk around here is a reflective surface. I’m really isolating myself and when I am with people I dont talk. I can’t even discuss this in psychotherapy because we aren’t allowed to talk about weight. But its not just about the weight, its about how I see myself and the judgement and all.

Higher power,

PLEASE HELP ME TO LOVE MY BODY AND ACCEPT MYSELF…………..

What the….. anorexia ALMOST won

What a cluster fuck the past few days have been!!!! Two days ago I was reminded that I had to leave Princeton on Wednesday, which I had known for almost two weeks now. So I get called into treatment team on Monday and am cornered by everyone in there and TOLD that I HAVE to go to a program called Belmont, a facility that treats psych patients and eating disorders together. I’ve done mad research on this place in the past and have discussed the program with individuals that used to work there so I knew already that it was NOT  an option for me. I knew that if I went to that program that I would come out much worse than when I went in. It is a program very similar to Brandywine and if you know me well enough you know I did NOT benefit from that program AT ALL. So I was very adamant about not going to Belmont. Well the treatment team told me I was too unstable and not working a good recovery program that they would not send me home, that I had no other choice but to go to Belmont. Once again, if you know me at all you know how stubborn I am and how irrational I can be at times I walked out and told them all to fuck off. (bad idea I know)

First bitch fest — IM NOT WORKING A GOOD RECOVERY PROGRAM?!!??! That is a load of b.s. in my personal opinion.

Anyways…. Belmont ended up falling through and they decided to keep that from me so I had planned on going home today (Wednesday), but ALL OF A SUDDEN yesterday they drug my resilient butt back into the treatment team meeting and told me that they had completely, I mean completely, screwed up. They nonchalantly told me that I COULD in fact stay at Princeton for another 16 days.

Response…”Are you ffucking kidding me?!??!”

I was soooo irate that  for the past week and a half they had me sooooo stressed out about having to leave asap that I had mentally prepared myself to go home. My first thought was…. how can you honestly expect me to react in a rational way when for so long I’ve been pressured from every person in the treatment team to go to a program that would be harmful? So I made my statement and told them I was going home as of 11:30 yesterday.

I allowed my anger and frustration to rule my decision. I felt the team was very incompetent, close minded, and lacked my best interest and were unwilling to listen to what I had to say. All day I  had people coming to talk to me to persuade me to stay, but I was being stubborn Julie and was set in my ways of going home because I lost ALL trust and ability in my treatment team.

I went to bed last night in a decent mood and had a bizarre dream where I went to jail for protesting and after I was released from jail I had to go back to treatment.For some reason that dream screwed with my head and I laid in bed SO confused as to what to do. My rational mind had come back. I held my picture of grandma and I and just started talking to her. She helped me last weekend so I was begging for her guidance again. I needed to know what the right answer was. I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.

Once again, someone else came to talk to me, and this woman I have the utmost respect for. We sat on my bed talking for half and hour until I broke down and realized that as terrified as I was to stay I NEEDED to, for ME. I got completely honest with myself.

The reason I wanted to go home was so I could gain weight at MY PACE (clearly that was ED talking) as opposed to working with a full treatment team and trusting them. So overall, I have decided to STAY and RECOVER the correct way. I have made such great progress thus far I cannot bare to lose all of the knowledge and skills I have gained.

It is scary to reflect back on the last few days and realize how much ED was controlling my thoughts and actions. Thank goodness I can realize this, but next time I want to catch it before anything drastic happens or before I make any irrational decisions or actions.