I cannot stand my body!!!!
I want to crawl out of my skin and die!!!
*sigh* I am in a really really horrible spot since last night. I honestly do not know how to handle the changes my body is making. I feel like it is way too fast and way too much. I know that it needs to happen but why so fucking fast?! I always gain weight quickly and it fucks with my head so much. My mindset is no where near where my body is and I don’t know how to get all the judgmental, hateful, raging, irrational thoughts to stop or just quiet. I just want to cry all damn day.
I KNOW that its called “getting better” but it feels so horrible and looks even worse. I know I cannot trust my own eyes, but fuck….. I can’t see anything but pure FAT… love handles, fat face, fat arms, huge ass thighs, etc. Yeah I can’t see every single bone anymore which is okay with me, but i cannot bare the way i look right now. and even worse is that i have 2 more weeks here to gain even more weight!!!!
I am so terrified that I will look like my mother when I get out of here. I’m petrified that I will never stop gaining and that my set weight is like my mother. I know this is somewhat irrational but i dont know how to get this thought and feeling out of my head. For over an hour yesterday I wrote “I am Julie. I am not my mother.” And now Im expressing myself again, but I don’t feel any better…. 😦
I just want to love myself and my body for how it is and believe that no one will judge me or call me obese or fat and that people will still love me. I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror or anything but its so hard when almost every place you walk around here is a reflective surface. I’m really isolating myself and when I am with people I dont talk. I can’t even discuss this in psychotherapy because we aren’t allowed to talk about weight. But its not just about the weight, its about how I see myself and the judgement and all.
Higher power,
PLEASE HELP ME TO LOVE MY BODY AND ACCEPT MYSELF…………..
juliewoodk 
It feels like it won’t stop but I know that you know (by your assessing the situation) that it isn’t a logical train of thought to assume that. There is definitely a thing called obesity in this world, but Julie you are SO FAR FROM IT that there’s no way in HELL it could “creep up” on you when all you’re doing is getting yourself to a healthy place — it only feels that way because you’re coming from a very far distance from healthy on the other end of the spectrum, so comparitively healthy FEELS overweight but it ISN’T.
You also are so intelligent to recognize that a deal of the fear of gaining weight has to do with the association you hold with your mother and being heavier, but in recognizing that I would love for you to take the next step forward in realizing that NO amount of such a materialistic trait like weight could make JULIE anything different than JULIE. You’re YOU honey — you’re beautiful you no matter what, and it’s the ED telling you otherwise in an attempt to save itself by getting you to hold onto it.
Keep fighting! And PLEASE keep sharing with YOURSELF to help maintain perspective!