Today I love and accept myself AND my body

Last night was REALLY REALLY hard for me. I had a pass from 5:30-7:30 where I was allowed to go to the cafeteria with Zach, my dad, and Tracy (stepmom) for a meal and then just to hang out. I went to the cafeteria, walked in with confidence, took a look around, and immediately wanted to crawl into a hole and die. All of the options were so overwhelming, especially since the nurse’s cautioned me to “do more than normal.” But instead of starting to cry and completely restricting (the old Julie), I pulled out my  meal plan and followed what I needed. I didn’t have to ask anyone what I should get, I made all the decisions on my own. I even chose to do  more than my meal plan suggested. I got a yogurt Nutrigrain bar, cheese on my black bean burger, and 1/2 a pudding parfait. Obviously, I had a nice big coffee as well. It did not take me an hour to decide what I wanted to eat, by the time everyone else was ready to check out I was too. ACCOMPLISHMENT.

Then when I sat down to the meal with everyone things kinda went downhill. I immediately forgot about my coping skills and was souly focused on the food in front of me. I did not engage in the conversations that were being had at the meal, but my dad did try to distract me when he saw my face go from a smile to a frown. I used some behaviors that Ive been trying to break…. I cut up my veggie burger and ate it with a fork instead of picking it up with my hands like a normal person, I put mustard on my salad, I over seasoned my salad with pepper, and I overdid it on the caffeine. I finished everything I had and almost enjoyed the pudding parfait… it was just a bit too sweet for my taste buds. While I did use behaviors, I did NOT calorie count my meal, I did NOT take 3 hours to eat, I did NOT hide food, I did NOT restrict, and I did NOT purge. So I guess I should be giving myself so credit for doing some things right and not focus so much on what I did wrong. If I continue to focus on what I did wrong then I will never learn to love and accept myself.

So while dinner was really hard and my visitors left shortly after the pass was over, I started to SOB uncontrollably. I was so upset with how I felt inside my skin. I wanted to rip my skin off, scream, and run. So I got my favorite picture of grandma and I and just started talking to her as if she were in the same room. I just started begging her for help and guidance. Eventually I calmed down and went to snack where I had to conquer even more. Cliff Bar and then…. dun dun dun…. I challenged myself with a Toll House ice cream cookie sandwich. I did it partly because I REALLY wanted a pass for Sunday, but mostly because I figured I shhould try to get the most out of the program while I am here and can get amazing support from every corner. 

Well this morning I woke up, expecting to despise myself. I took a shower, put JEANS on and felt really really good abbout myself and my body. My jeans fit tighter, but I was OKAY with that!!! It was an amazing feeling. 

 

Insurance blows. Character defects suck. Recovery Rocks.

I do not even know where to begin this blog!!!! It’s been a few days and I cannot even begin to write what has been happening. I’ve been working my butt off between going to groups, therapy, and arguing with insurance companies.

Bit first….. a positive affirmation
Ok…. so here it goes….

1. Insurance Blows!!!!
I found out a few days ago (wednesday) that I have to leave on Tuesday, October 16th because my insurance is now deciding not to pay for treatment anymore. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!? So for the past 5 days I have been doing nothing but BEGGING for help. I contacted so many different agencies to see if they would provide financial assistance or work on a sliding scale. but no. I talked to the mental health company that my insurance is through, and after multiple angry conversations… I got another no. I tried to get a Rider for unlimited inpatient days and residential through my insurance, but again… no. I talked to the supervisor of Blue Cross who put my case as a priority and after all of his hard work…. no. I applied for 5 scholarships but got multiple emails saying NO funds. My therapist from home and here tried to advocate for me, but again no. My therapist used her connection at renfrew to get me in ….. no. My doctor told them I was medically unstable and NEEDED to stay, but …. no. I begged my family to help me pay for it, at least another week, but at 12,000 a week it was not very likely that that would happen…. again, no. I went through EVERY resource and EVERY possibility and prayed so hard about my higher power leading me in the right direction, but my answers were all NO’s.

I’m frustrated as FUCK because I am literally on my knees BEGGING for help because I want to beat this disease that badly, but everywhere I turn and search for help says no. I feel like Im being royally screwed over the one time I so passionately want something. It’s not fair. Some of the girls here have coverage for MONTHS and they do NOT want to be here. Some girls are being given an opportunity to go to residential and all they do is bitch about it every single day. Damn it. if I could go to residential I’d be crying tears of joy. I know that we are all in different stages of readiness to change but it does not mean I can’t get super pissed off because people who dont want recovery are given GREAT opportunities and Im being kicked out the door with nothing.

2. Character defects coming out

Because I am having to leave way before I am ready I feel as though my character defects are coming out because part of me feels like I should say “fuck it” and just give into the disease. I feel as though my higher power is not helping me in the ways I WANT because maybe I really do not deserve recovery. Maybe I really do deserve to live a miserable life with anorexia. Maybe the people around me are supposed to watch me slowly kill myself. Maybe everyone is supposed to leave me so I die a painful miserable death. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But MAYBE, this is exactly what I need. Maybe my higher power is giving me the chancce to PROVE to myself, and others, that I really CAN do this and that I really CAN recovery. That means I need to buckle the f down and really work every single program I have at my finger tips. I need to use ALL of my coping skills especially reaching out for help and support, going to my AA meetings, letting people in, being open, willing, honest, take suggestions, search for ED support groups. get a mentor, go to my doctor appointments, go to therapy, dont be so stubborn, take my meds, etc.

As I know this is what I have to do, I see my character defects coming out because I feel as though the world is completely against me. I feel anger and I am not expressing it in appropriate ways, I find myself thinking about how I can manipulate people, I think about how I can use my eating disorder, I find myself wanting to isolate from everyone, I find myself wanting to put on a mask to say “Im fine”, etc. While I see myself thinking and feeling these things, there is one good thing…. I have NOT acted on any of these character defects. I am still going strong and trying my best every day. Maybe I should appreciate the fact that I SEE these defects coming out and reward myself for NOT acting on them.

It’s 6:15 am while I’m blogging so here are so kick ass pics of me in my FAV attire!!!!

Clearly I rock this Johnny/ gown well!!! :-p Ass out and all!!! No holding back for this gal!

BREAKFAST TIME!!!! More to come today!!!!

Goal: learn something about myself (a trigger, flaw, etc.) that I can work on before having to leave

Affirmation: I will persist until I succeed. I will go the extra mile today.

Healthier = Change + Emotions

*HUGE ASS SIGH*

What a cluster-fuck of a day, once again. For the most part today went rather well in regards to getting in trouble. :-p But … in other areas there were major struggles. I got dressed this morning and put on a pair of jeans and they fit tighter around my legs and waist. FREAK OUT!!! But wait…. I let it bother me for a bit and then I kept them on and moved on with my day. I HATE the changes that are happening to my body, they suck so bad, but I am trying to accept them and understand that they are going to happen if I want to get better.

Now that I have been getting better nutrition I have been experiencing A LOT more feelings as well as flashbacks which I used to suppress so well in the past. That is what the eating disorder was for, suppression of anything bad and/or uncomfortable. I had a bad flashback today and I had a hard time getting out of it and dealing with it, but I did my best to not allow it to affect my lunch which was already a challenge food. I finished the meal and went to group where I crocheted like a pheen until I finally broke down and could not handle the feelings and images anymore. I got a lot of great support and feedback and at the end my mood had improved a bit and my anxiety decreased a bit.

It’s time I start opening up these deep wounds to my therapist so I can learn to accept them and place them on the back burner. It does not mean that I will forget them or that they will not have a strong impact on me, they always will, but I want to get to a place where I use my past as a motivator; use it to help others, use it to help myself, use it to love life, use it to love and accept myself. The scary part is actually opening this door and trying to figure out which door to open first. Which wound do you reveal first? How do you know when you no longer need to revisit it and can accept it? Im very very unsure.

Overall, I HATE emotions, changes in my body, and flashbacks that all come with a healthier body and mind. You would think that getting healthier meant GOOD things to come, but in order to get out I have to go through. Meh… hard work.

 

A Haunted Sleep

I would like to think that when I sleep my mind sleeps as well and takes a break from the whole day, but that is so untrue, especially last night. It seems that once I start getting a little nutrition in me that my brain starts to lose control throughout the whole damn day. It’s as if ED gets stronger in my head because I am going against EVERYTHING it wants me to do. 

Well last night was my first food dream that I have had in about 4 weeks and it was TERRIFYING! I was dreaming that I started to over eat and I could not find a bathroom to purge in and when I did find a bathroom someone was always coming in and interrupting me. And then when I finally had alone time to get rid of all I had consumed I was not able to do it, I physically could not get anything out. I was running around like a maniac and while I was running from place to place to find another bathroom to try out I would go into different cabinets and refrigerators and eat more food. And when I would look down at my stomach it would keep growing and growing and I couldn’t stop it. And eventually I ended up looking like my mom and tried to end my life but it would never work so I had to live a miserable life looking like my mother and continuing to run from place to place trying to purge and eating along the way. It was a never ending cycle of eating, trying to purge, and gaining weight. Needless to say I woke up in a HUGE panic and tried to stay up for the rest of the night because I was so afraid of going back to the same dream. 

When I have food related dreams such as this it throws off my whole day because I continue to replay it in my mind over and over. I know I need to rationalize that it was JUST a dream and that that situation could not happen in real life, but the fearful part of me is terrified that the dream will come to life.

 

My goal for today was to have a RELAXING day and its only 9:30 am and Im incredibly stressed out. I got yelled at for changing my Ensure last night even though I explained my entire situation and then was told to stop “exercising” while eating and other shit. Exercising while eating? Are you kidding me?! It’s called anxiety and maybe if I was not cut off cold turkey from my meds I would not be so anxious 24/7. I know that it is their job to redirect me, but I honestly felt targeted by this woman. And of course I tried to avoid getting meds so I could avoid her but I had to get my nicotine patch so I swallowed my pride and went up. Of course she had to make a comment about me being rude for saying “Do I do anything right?!” in the dinning room. So of course I listened and understood her point and left crying, blaming myself for everything in the world that I possibly can. 

I’m frustrated and overwhelmed. I honestly feel like I do not do anything right. And again I am told that I am triggering my entire table, but yet again no one has said a word to her about my “behaviors” so I am confused. Maybe she is trying to prevent that from happening, but honestly, I have to work on me and worry about me. If I trigger someone else they need to confront me about it so I can directly and consciously work on that area of change or at least make it less prominent at the table. I feel as though the world is against me which includes the eating disorder and my mind. I feel so uncertain about everything.

I feel as though I am not making ANY progress while I have been here and given that I have such limited time because of insurance I am freaking out. I need to get things right so when I am forced to leave (before I am ready) that I feel at least somewhat confident about being able to do it on my own.

I am SO fearful of going back to the eating disorder to solve or to block life again. I cannot bare the thoughts of putting Zachary through any more of this. I cannot bare to lose the rest of my life. Even though sometimes I want to just give up and throw up the white flag on life I KNOW that I CAN achieve things in life and I CAN meet my goals; maybe not on my time schedule, but eventually.

 

 

Higher power, please guide me through today and give me a clear conscious. Please help me use my rational mind and not give into my irrational thoughts and behaviors. Please help me understand myself better. Please help me see at least one good thing about myself today so I can use that as a foundation for beginning to love myself.

Ensure flashback

Eugh…. I freaked out at snack. They increased my meal plan so that means that they put a supplement on my tray and i set it aside until snack tonight.So 9:00 pm snack came and I grabbed my Ensure and sat it in front of me and immediately started to cry. I just had huge flashbacks of it being put into my tube for weeks on end and never learning to properly consume food. It was just an overpowering feeling of hopelessness and complete loss of control on my end. I wanted those images of a feeding tube to leave my mind but they were so strong that it felt as though I really had it inserted through my nose and into my stomach. I just wanted to yank the non-existent tube out and run as fast as I could. Thank goodness the techs and nurse that was on tonight were very kind and allowed me to switch the Ensure with 2 small cups of ice cream (huge challenge, but a better challenge). I think it is kind of a good thing that Ensure scares me so  much and I asked for actual food. I used to rely on Ensure to base my meals off of and I do not want to go back to doing that.

Today is over, thank goodness. I got in trouble so many times today. Once was for “triggering” everyone at my table because I eat so slowly and shake my leg uncontrollably. Well EXCUSE me, but I am not the one who took me off my anxiety meds and excuse me for taking my time so I dont get too overwhelmed. I am sorry, but I am not concerned about other people, I have to put myself first because it is my recovery. I asked everyone at my table if I was triggering them and they all said they did not say a single word about that so who knows…. but whatever. I am concerned with myself and my recovery.

Skyping with the love of my life and then off to bed!!!! Sunday here I come… eugh

Afraid of change? Certainly not me….. so I thought

For so long I thought I was never afraid of change because everything in my life was ALWAYS so chaotic. Nothing ever stayed the same in my life. I cannot even count on my hands how many times I have moved or been kicked outta places since the time I was 16 years old. To me, I think that I should be used to change and nothing ever being stable. I mean, look at my family; Parents are divorced, mom in and out of the psych ward, dad far away, dad and mom both get remarried, dad in my life and then out of my life constantly, mom choosing her husband over her daughter, father choosing wife over daughter, etc. Therefore change should not be a barrier for me, right?

WRONG

I think I want something to be constant in my life sooooo badly that I use the eating disorder since everything IS always changing around me. For me, the eating disorder is ALWAYS a constant in my life because I can control it, I control what goes in, what does not go in, what comes out, etc. The outside world does and cannot interfere with MY eating disorder so it is always there and will always be the same.

Revelation? I think so

But the real question remains, how do I find a different constant that I can use instead of the eating disorder? How, in such a crazy ever-changing world and life can there be anything else that stays constant for me that makes me comfortable? I know I have to accept change as it comes, but I still need some sense of stability in my life, I think we all do. So how do I find that comfortable stable thing in life? Where do I turn? What can I rely on? What is there that is better and more calming and constant than MY eating disorder?

It’s only 200 more!!!

They increased my fucking meal plan from 1000 to 1200 calories and I’m losing my mind over it. I KNOW it doesn’t mean shit besides the fact that my body can handle a bit more but automatically the sick thinking says NO!!!!! Ways to hide food, purge, restrict, etc are flooding my mind over a simple fucking step up. I don’t understand why I care so much and am SOOOO terrified of this. But now that im so worked up over it I’m freaking out over having to do an extra item at snack and I feel fuller than ever which is probably just the eating disorder telling me that. EUGH!!!!!

It’s JUST Food…. right?

I am baffled by my actions today at breakfast. Starting at 8:00 am, I did not finish until 9:32 am because I was overwhelmed and became deathly afraid of the food in front of me. What baffles me most is how I cannot pinpoint WHAT it is that I am afraid of when it came down to it today. I had eggs, jello, cereal, yogurt, banana, coffee, and tea.

*side note* Here at Princeton you can “save” items which means that you can take things off yourtray and save them for snack which takes place a few hours later.

With this being said it was CLEAR to me, both rationally and irrationally that I did NOT HAVE to finish everything during breakfast. But for some reason I looked at my tray and immediately thought I could not just leave out one thing for later. I wanted to save the yogurt, banana, cereal, and jello, but then I thought about it and that would screw me over later because snack is so close to lunch. So after getting frustrated and semi-crying I asked a nurse what to do after I told her what I was thinking. She told me that I figured out the problem on my own and that I should definitely go with my original idea. My idea was to save the jello and banana and just focus on the cereal and yogurt. Turns out I HAD made the RIGHT decision after all. I clearly do not trust myself enough with the decisions I make in regards to food and other aspects of my life. Maybe that should be a goal…. trust myself.

What is really start to confuse me though is WHY I get SO upset in the presence of food. WHY is it that I cried throughout the entire time of eating my yogurt and cereal. Why did I shake like a crazy person throughout the whole thing? What is my freaking fear? I know I am terrified of looking like my mother and living a life like hers and that I am genuinely afraid to gain weight because I am afraid Zach wont love me, but there has to be more. I know I get flashbacks from past traumas but they don’t seem to interfere QUITE as much as they used to. Maybe it is still the fact that I feel like throughout my life I have been put through hell and back and simply do not deserve to be healthy and eat food that I enjoy. Boy do I wish someone could just get inside my head and tell me what exactly is wrong and how I can change it.

 

For goodness sake…. ITS JUST FOOD….. right? 

 

Sleep Away the Day

First FULL day = Completed…. but challenging….

I’m not sure where to begin today’s events. A lot of sleeping and tears filled my day.

First FULL day = Completed.

I’m not sure where to begin today’s events. A lot of sleeping and tears filled my day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want to get healthy that I have to somewhat keep myself away from the other patients around me. This is not because I do not want to get to know them, it is because I do not need to surround myself with people who are not serious about recovery and refuse to follow rules and want to walk out the door just because one thing did not go their way. The girls bitch about their therapists challenging them, well no shit, that is what they are supposed to do. Im waiting for my therapist to do the same thing and when she does I know I will hate her for the moment but later it will all make a lot of sense. You have to really look at the context and take it with an open mind and consider everything. Maybe it is clear that I am FINALLY at a different point in my disorder. I WANT to get better and be challenged. I dont want things to be sugar coated anymore. I want to get the most out of every single day and I dont care if that means I get really pissed off at the staff because they are right.

We had a guest speaker today who is in recovery, and her story was so powerful that by the end I was balling my eyes out because I just wanted to scream HOW DO YOU DO IT?!!??!?!! One main question I thought of was….

“HOW DO YOU GET A FREE MIND?” I do not understand how one begins to love themselves. It seems like such a foreign idea to me. I feel like that is something you are supposed to have learned at an early age or that it is automatic. I dont know what I can do to start learning to love myself for me and not for looking like a cancer patient. I want to love me for me, Julie K. Wood, someone who is healthy, happy, genuine, honest, open, trusting, loving, loved, etc.

I also want to know how to stop the excessive thoughts that flood my head when and after I eat. Half of the time I do not even know what is going through my mind, its such a cluster fuck that I cant describe it when people ask me to talk about it. I know I HATE the full feelings I get from eating and I don’t feel like I deserve the food, etc. but it still boggles my mind as to why I get so overwhelmed and hate myself.

I’ve had urges to purge, but I am on bathroom observation so that clearly will not happen, unless I say “fuck it” and do it anyways. I really hope I don’t get to that point. Ive gotten  myself to the point that I will use the bathroom before a meal so I do not have to even worry about going near it after the meal. It is helpful. Even though I spend a lot of time in my room and the bathroom is right there (but locked) I try to distract myself as much as possible. I worry though. I am on such a low diet right now, what is it going to be like when they increase everything on me? How the hell will I handle it then? Who knows, but ya know what…. I cannot worry about that now. I need to worry about TODAY and just TODAY. No projecting into the future anymore, it only causes more stress.

On a side note, I have yet another worry. A social worker was talking to me today about only being given 28 days/ year of inpatient treatment with my insurance. They said they want me here for more than that, but its not like Im going to get FREE days. What happens if I have to go before I am ready? I CANNOT leave before I am ready this time. I NEED and WANT to stay until my mind is somewhat free and i love myself, somewhat, and can handle the real world and my new self. I guess this is another thing I should worry about LATER and not right now, but its hard.

Art Therapy: Left side – what my eating disorder gives to me or does for me or has been like

Right side – what I ultimately want

BEDTIME.

What I learned today: It IS possible to have a free mind

Struggle of the day: accepting the feelings of my body changing

Goal for tomorrow: Be open and honest about my needs to my thearpist

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want to get healthy that I have to somewhat keep myself away from the other patients around me. This is not because I do not want to get to know them, it is because I do not need to surround myself with people who are not serious about recovery and refuse to follow rules and want to walk out the door just because one thing did not go their way. The girls bitch about their therapists challenging them, well no shit, that is what they are supposed to do. Im waiting for my therapist to do the same thing and when she does I know I will hate her for the moment but later it will all make a lot of sense. You have to really look at the context and take it with an open mind and consider everything. Maybe it is clear that I am FINALLY at a different point in my disorder. I WANT to get better and be challenged. I dont want things to be sugar coated anymore. I want to get the most out of every single day and I dont care if that means I get really pissed off at the staff because they are right.

We had a guest speaker today who is in recovery, and her story was so powerful that by the end I was balling my eyes out because I just wanted to scream HOW DO YOU DO IT?!!??!?!! One main question I thought of was….

“HOW DO YOU GET A FREE MIND?” I do not understand how one begins to love themselves. It seems like such a foreign idea to me. I feel like that is something you are supposed to have learned at an early age or that it is automatic. I dont know what I can do to start learning to love myself for me and not for looking like a cancer patient. I want to love me for me, Julie K. Wood, someone who is healthy, happy, genuine, honest, open, trusting, loving, loved, etc.

I also want to know how to stop the excessive thoughts that flood my head when and after I eat. Half of the time I do not even know what is going through my mind, its such a cluster fuck that I cant describe it when people ask me to talk about it. I know I HATE the full feelings I get from eating and I don’t feel like I deserve the food, etc. but it still boggles my mind as to why I get so overwhelmed and hate myself.

I’ve had urges to purge, but I am on bathroom observation so that clearly will not happen, unless I say “fuck it” and do it anyways. I really hope I don’t get to that point. Ive gotten  myself to the point that I will use the bathroom before a meal so I do not have to even worry about going near it after the meal. It is helpful. Even though I spend a lot of time in my room and the bathroom is right there (but locked) I try to distract myself as much as possible. I worry though. I am on such a low diet right now, what is it going to be like when they increase everything on me? How the hell will I handle it then? Who knows, but ya know what…. I cannot worry about that now. I need to worry about TODAY and just TODAY. No projecting into the future anymore, it only causes more stress.

On a side note, I have yet another worry. A social worker was talking to me today about only being given 28 days/ year of inpatient treatment with my insurance. They said they want me here for more than that, but its not like Im going to get FREE days. What happens if I have to go before I am ready? I CANNOT leave before I am ready this time. I NEED and WANT to stay until my mind is somewhat free and i love myself, somewhat, and can handle the real world and my new self. I guess this is another thing I should worry about LATER and not right now, but its hard.

BEDTIME.

What I learned today: It IS possible to have a free mind

Struggle of the day: accepting the feelings of my body changing

Goal for tomorrow: Be open and honest about my needs to my thearpist

*sigh* one down, a lifetime to go

Day one….. COMPLETED

What a crazy and exhausting day!!!! Being up for over 48 hours and then choosing to go through an 8+ hour intake was a huge mistake, but thats how my mind works…. not always the most rational.

The intake process sucked today, I just hate repeating myself over and over to different people. It’s like, why can’t you just copy that other person’s notes instead of listening to me blabber about it over and over and getting pissed off. I like certain aspects of this program and dislike others.

Likes

• private room and bathroom
• do NOT have to count
• can have cells, laptops, and ipods all day
• go for walks when on certain levels
• yoga
• art therapy
• couches in the room
• personalize bedroom with own bedding and pictures
• NOT focused on the number on the scale
• therapy and psychiatry daily
• nutrition education
• rooms open all day
• monitored bathrooms
• visitation every night
• electronic curtains on windows
• don’t enforce feeding tubes or supplements
• pick your own meals
• very individualized to meet your needs

Dislikes

• not very therapeutic during meals
• feel judged by psychiatrist after she found out Im a recovering drug addict 
• a lot of number talk
• no smoking!!!
• adjusting my ALREADY working meds
• groups day one = joke (no facilitator)
• more to comes im sure
• some nurses have huge sticks up their asses already (stay clear of the Ursula)

This process is a lot harder this time around in regards to the fact that a larger part of me WANTS to be here. My TYPICAL process of the first few days of treatment is to say FUCK IT and refuse to do anything, but my attitude this time is different. I want and need this, but that means there is a bigger conflict within myself as opposed to myself with those around me. Rather than manipulating others and refusing to follow protocall I am battling the more severe and life threatening….. my brain.

I had to pick, from the top of my head, what I wanted for lunch and I looked at the nurse in total dismay and was speechless. She said “here, you choose your meals.” So she gives me a list of what I can choose from and my immediate thoughts were…. what has the fewest calories, fat, carbs, etc.Rather than picking from those restrictions I picked something I was most comfortable with, considering it was day one. 

Dinner came around the corner around 5:30 and BAM!!!!!! Catfish, rice, and veggie medley, not bad I know, BUT to ED it was wrong in every which way. Symptoms came out with cutting up my food to a million pieces, eating by color and size, counting, sips between bites, starting with the veggies and saving the worst for last, excessive shaking of legs, etc. It may have taken me an hour to get through that meal, but I thought of Zachary and all of the other amazing supports I have and pushed through the hate that was running through my head. Needless to say I finished, completed, 100%, but then ran to my room and had the biggest breakdown in the corner of my room. Why?! I HAVE NO FREAKING idea. Maybe because I, Julie Kay Wood, pushed through the plees of ED and I conquered and that is a scary thought. I terrified I cannot do all of this on my own. Clearly I am lacking to give myself any credit for doing what was RIGHT and HEALTHY for me, but I pray that will come in time. 

Im not looking foward to tomorrow, but its finally time to get some shut eye and that I cannot wait for!!!!

Thoughts for today:

I AM STRONGER THAN I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT FOR

Good night love bugs.