Sleep Away the Day

First FULL day = Completed…. but challenging….

I’m not sure where to begin today’s events. A lot of sleeping and tears filled my day.

First FULL day = Completed.

I’m not sure where to begin today’s events. A lot of sleeping and tears filled my day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want to get healthy that I have to somewhat keep myself away from the other patients around me. This is not because I do not want to get to know them, it is because I do not need to surround myself with people who are not serious about recovery and refuse to follow rules and want to walk out the door just because one thing did not go their way. The girls bitch about their therapists challenging them, well no shit, that is what they are supposed to do. Im waiting for my therapist to do the same thing and when she does I know I will hate her for the moment but later it will all make a lot of sense. You have to really look at the context and take it with an open mind and consider everything. Maybe it is clear that I am FINALLY at a different point in my disorder. I WANT to get better and be challenged. I dont want things to be sugar coated anymore. I want to get the most out of every single day and I dont care if that means I get really pissed off at the staff because they are right.

We had a guest speaker today who is in recovery, and her story was so powerful that by the end I was balling my eyes out because I just wanted to scream HOW DO YOU DO IT?!!??!?!! One main question I thought of was….

“HOW DO YOU GET A FREE MIND?” I do not understand how one begins to love themselves. It seems like such a foreign idea to me. I feel like that is something you are supposed to have learned at an early age or that it is automatic. I dont know what I can do to start learning to love myself for me and not for looking like a cancer patient. I want to love me for me, Julie K. Wood, someone who is healthy, happy, genuine, honest, open, trusting, loving, loved, etc.

I also want to know how to stop the excessive thoughts that flood my head when and after I eat. Half of the time I do not even know what is going through my mind, its such a cluster fuck that I cant describe it when people ask me to talk about it. I know I HATE the full feelings I get from eating and I don’t feel like I deserve the food, etc. but it still boggles my mind as to why I get so overwhelmed and hate myself.

I’ve had urges to purge, but I am on bathroom observation so that clearly will not happen, unless I say “fuck it” and do it anyways. I really hope I don’t get to that point. Ive gotten  myself to the point that I will use the bathroom before a meal so I do not have to even worry about going near it after the meal. It is helpful. Even though I spend a lot of time in my room and the bathroom is right there (but locked) I try to distract myself as much as possible. I worry though. I am on such a low diet right now, what is it going to be like when they increase everything on me? How the hell will I handle it then? Who knows, but ya know what…. I cannot worry about that now. I need to worry about TODAY and just TODAY. No projecting into the future anymore, it only causes more stress.

On a side note, I have yet another worry. A social worker was talking to me today about only being given 28 days/ year of inpatient treatment with my insurance. They said they want me here for more than that, but its not like Im going to get FREE days. What happens if I have to go before I am ready? I CANNOT leave before I am ready this time. I NEED and WANT to stay until my mind is somewhat free and i love myself, somewhat, and can handle the real world and my new self. I guess this is another thing I should worry about LATER and not right now, but its hard.

Art Therapy: Left side – what my eating disorder gives to me or does for me or has been like

Right side – what I ultimately want

BEDTIME.

What I learned today: It IS possible to have a free mind

Struggle of the day: accepting the feelings of my body changing

Goal for tomorrow: Be open and honest about my needs to my thearpist

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want to get healthy that I have to somewhat keep myself away from the other patients around me. This is not because I do not want to get to know them, it is because I do not need to surround myself with people who are not serious about recovery and refuse to follow rules and want to walk out the door just because one thing did not go their way. The girls bitch about their therapists challenging them, well no shit, that is what they are supposed to do. Im waiting for my therapist to do the same thing and when she does I know I will hate her for the moment but later it will all make a lot of sense. You have to really look at the context and take it with an open mind and consider everything. Maybe it is clear that I am FINALLY at a different point in my disorder. I WANT to get better and be challenged. I dont want things to be sugar coated anymore. I want to get the most out of every single day and I dont care if that means I get really pissed off at the staff because they are right.

We had a guest speaker today who is in recovery, and her story was so powerful that by the end I was balling my eyes out because I just wanted to scream HOW DO YOU DO IT?!!??!?!! One main question I thought of was….

“HOW DO YOU GET A FREE MIND?” I do not understand how one begins to love themselves. It seems like such a foreign idea to me. I feel like that is something you are supposed to have learned at an early age or that it is automatic. I dont know what I can do to start learning to love myself for me and not for looking like a cancer patient. I want to love me for me, Julie K. Wood, someone who is healthy, happy, genuine, honest, open, trusting, loving, loved, etc.

I also want to know how to stop the excessive thoughts that flood my head when and after I eat. Half of the time I do not even know what is going through my mind, its such a cluster fuck that I cant describe it when people ask me to talk about it. I know I HATE the full feelings I get from eating and I don’t feel like I deserve the food, etc. but it still boggles my mind as to why I get so overwhelmed and hate myself.

I’ve had urges to purge, but I am on bathroom observation so that clearly will not happen, unless I say “fuck it” and do it anyways. I really hope I don’t get to that point. Ive gotten  myself to the point that I will use the bathroom before a meal so I do not have to even worry about going near it after the meal. It is helpful. Even though I spend a lot of time in my room and the bathroom is right there (but locked) I try to distract myself as much as possible. I worry though. I am on such a low diet right now, what is it going to be like when they increase everything on me? How the hell will I handle it then? Who knows, but ya know what…. I cannot worry about that now. I need to worry about TODAY and just TODAY. No projecting into the future anymore, it only causes more stress.

On a side note, I have yet another worry. A social worker was talking to me today about only being given 28 days/ year of inpatient treatment with my insurance. They said they want me here for more than that, but its not like Im going to get FREE days. What happens if I have to go before I am ready? I CANNOT leave before I am ready this time. I NEED and WANT to stay until my mind is somewhat free and i love myself, somewhat, and can handle the real world and my new self. I guess this is another thing I should worry about LATER and not right now, but its hard.

BEDTIME.

What I learned today: It IS possible to have a free mind

Struggle of the day: accepting the feelings of my body changing

Goal for tomorrow: Be open and honest about my needs to my thearpist